the solecism of the chubby dodo

new year...

2009-12-31T23:00:00.000-08:00

the new year is about to commence in god knows how many more hours, and it feels no different than yesterday, and would probably feel no different than tomorrow. the whole bulloo about a fresh start and new beginning is just an outright lie to oneself. no point kidding oneself, that is just way too much effort spent on a fabrication of a lovely tale that just ain't.

the end of this year is spent no different than the last, working. many think it insane, my parents do not quite approve, though for reasons rather different from the others who are making merry. well, that makes me me, after all, who ever said that was sane to begin with???

as the hours ticker down, wonder what it would be working this last moments of the year at yet another place, and only heading back to my crypt at the first sunrise of the new year. way to go. happy new year, my foot.

treasure hunt...

2009-12-27T05:31:00.000-08:00

remembered coming across and reading a really interesting article in the papers on how a girl left little notes with scrawled love and doodled affection all over the house. hidden in all the most unlikely of hooks and crannies, the game of treasure hunt was one of the few things that have kept her parents going. the little girl had carried out her operation of "hide and seek" in secret, in the midst of her painful suffering, well knowing that her days were numbered, yet also knowing that she had to leave something behind.

her going was no doubt a lamentable tragedy to have to stomach, no parents ever want for their child to have an early departure. then again, death is never an easy pill to swallow, though chew, digest and crap it out, or chew and spit it out one still has to. at the end of the day, it does not really matter which way, especially when the end point is, supposedly, somewhat the same.

it was written in that article that her parents are still playing that game of treasure hunt till this day, always hoping to find buried treasure in a new little note hidden behind somewhere, in between something. each time, a new revelation is found in the middle of all the bittersweet memories and heartjerking tears. what this little girl did, is beyond admiration, and what she left behind, brilliantly priceless, though the best part, really, is the fact that she was only five.

just ain't quite the same...

2009-12-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

christmas time, mistletoe and wine. not. far from it.

the tree was painstakingly put up and carefully decorated with slow but loving hands because that was a missing piece of the christmas picture last year. the colors and background that you missed out on and would never be a part of, ever again. guilt and pain hung about in the air like the christmas stocking on my door.

there was no way christmas cheer could perk up the solemn atmosphere and make everything go away, even if for a little, seeing how season greetings were painfully forced out while the present exchange turned into such a sad muted affair. it was quieter, heavier, and somehow, it was just, that element of missing something, though in all honesty, think it was more missing someone than something. christmas just ain't quite the same without you.

the morning after...

2009-12-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

watching the sunrise quietly on the stairs outside as the deejay spins the decks in the background can be quite an experience. yes, was at one mega huge beach party, but not as part of the partying crowd, but as one of them worker bees to serve the crazy mad alcoholics. the words "bone tired" cannot even faintly describe what the night was like.

in all seriousness, all hell breaking loose is a stinking understatement. the night, was just yet another reminder, as to why am a big fan of staying away from places like these, and how me really rather choose death by a guillotine than to evolve into such a creature, no, gargoyle, of the night. one shalt not insult the good name of a creature.

walked into the party entrance in the evening, and pretty much crawled out that same entrance the very next morning, a good backbreaking voice shattering twelve hours later. amazingly slipped through the whole thing intact, with plenty of free mindboggling but awfully hilarious entertainment to keep me sane. the world was seen, yet again, through a different set of eyes, from innumerous deviant angles, so yes, good morning sunshine.

pack and go...

2009-12-02T03:51:00.000-08:00

how do you fit your life into nine boxes and some???

how do you pack and go???

this time... last year... it was so...

well... simply... one box at a time... just be careful not to break your back while at it...

for every hello... evidently... there is a goodbye...

brilliant talent...

2009-11-30T05:31:00.000-08:00

there is a knowing that brilliant talent is all around, waiting to be discovered, if only to be uncovered. boundaries are set by one, and therefore, through logical deduction, that would technically mean the boundaries can be pushed, and readjusted to fit one's needs and wants. and if all else fails, guess it falls back on the "fail safe" option of "just settle for...".

at the very end of it, it really matters not, not one teeny weeny bit. it is found, that perhaps, one is really no more special, and is pretty much just as mediocre as the rest of the fish in the sea. oh merry merry me, oh so sad, but oh so true.

that said, there is no harm appreciating the beauty in the brilliant talent found in others that one so lacks in all entity. so where have failed to express in any capacity, here is a little piece that spoke volumes to and for me, all about you who has recently left all of us for a better place we know where you know no sorrow or pain. in my words, in my world, in that very way me know how.

to be dead...

2009-11-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

if my feet could cry, they would be bawling right about now. that is how it is when it comes to prolonged hours standing in boots, even with the given breaks in between. and whoever does dare say different that such standing is an "easy job", will be stabbed in the eye with those very heels, with a little poke, no, make that a rough shove up where the sun does not shine.

the best bit, is that there is another two more days of twelve gruelling hours of cramped torture. if my feet could have a facial expression put to them, they would probably have that look of excruciation when in constipation from the brutality they have been put through. then again, perhaps, and just perhaps, my feet were just made to cry, or worse, die, god forbid.

bear with me my dear crying to be dead feet, the worst has yet to come. when it is all over, those tears will be dried, and nightmarish fears of broken toes will stay aside. until then, the foot tub, thick socks, bandaids, foot padding and foot rubs are on call, for you to beckon at will, so please do me a big favor, and not die on me just yet.

whee...

2009-11-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

with the coming of this day, daddy reaches yet another milestone in his life. it is a little hard to fully comprehend how daddy is officially now in his golden years and can be considered eligible for that claim to an elderly status, but guess that is how time just slips on by. yet again, it feels just like any other day of the year.

that aside, this special benchmark was earmarked with a rather peculiar, and definitely smashing, prezzie from mommy. so yes, daddy is now a proud owner of a brand new nintendo wii system, big thanks to a mommy who attempts to be hip and hop with the latest trend these days. well, the expression of the year was nothing short of classic, not to mention daddy's words on receiving his prezzie, "wow, you bought a wonderful birthday present for me, for yourself, thank you", brilliant.

in view of how this distressing year has been one of destitution and woe, guess it can be said that there is much to be thankful for in this little blessing that daddy has lived to see another year after all the previous mishaps. for now, the wii has been successfully set up and planted in the living room, with four wee little mee characters created for what is hoped to be more family fun and many more years to come. so in all seriousness, definitely got to say, whee...!?!

door...

2009-11-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

it is often said, that when life throws you lemons, make lemonade with it. honestly, that could not be any harder to do, especially with the searing sting lemons can bring. what of opportunity then???

can opportunity be considered a lemon??? if anything, it is as much a curveball as any other kick ass problem, just a more preferable and supposedly desired one me suppose. should one make the best out of that, or wait for the next, supposedly and assumedly, better one to come along???

a door is a door. a door either to heaven or hell. or maybe, even a door to nothing at all.

eenie... meenie... minee... mo...

2009-11-05T01:08:00.000-08:00

eenie... meenie... minee... mo...
catch the spider on the wall...
if it dies...

let it go...
eenie... meenie... minee... mo...

decisions, decisions, decisions. if only making a choice was all that easy. at the end of the day, it is always easier said than done, no???

cadbury love...

2009-11-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

a close girlfriend's saying always rings at the back of my head whenever am at the candy section of the supermarket or walking past a chocolatier, and even moreso when things get a tad too bumpy for liking. she is, without a doubt, and has proven on more than one occasion, the saying of "a friend in need, is a friend indeed", especially when that bond spans over years. even though there was no loud rahaha while catching the advertisement, she popped to mind when it came on, and well, got to credit cadbury for its creativity.

the last...

2009-11-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

it was one of those out of the blue random things that just happens when one least expects it. mommy found an old red, or rather, gold, packet that was hidden in her mountain of clothes, with my name in a familiar scrawl across the flap of the packet. she handed it over, and recognizing the handwriting, said it was from godmommy for this year's lunar new year.

gingerly holding that golden packet, a little of a flashflood went through my mind's eye. although she had been having pains everywhere, and trouble with her failing eye, she never forgot. the strength in her penmanship in those few alphabets in my name reminded me of the painstaking effort she took just to ink those few letters down, hopefully lovingly, perhaps also well knowing that might be her very last since she was already on a countdown.

it was a tad hard not to feel the pinch of the pain that came, for it struck a swift blow. have pretty much already put that packet away for safekeeping, stupid and impractical as it might sound to some not to take the money out of the packet and use it, or save it at the very least. yet, it was the last, gift and well wish and whatever more it could be and was meant to be, despite its lateness in arrival, and somehow or other, much of me would like to keep it that way, silly as it may be.

missing mad crazy...

2009-10-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

insane as it sounds, and probably a heinous crime to boy and girlfriends who know of my sick fetish for work, there is an unbelievable longing for those mad crazy days of filming around the clock and close to no sleep hours. no reason why. guess when it is a pressure cooker around with family and all, even the supposed unthinkable becomes actual respite.

there can be no cessation to any of the things that happen, has to happen and will happen, that much is truth. or rather, that much is reality, brutally painful as it can be. indulgence that lead to destruction of moronic absurdity by personal standards is beyond me.

so that said, where does that really leave me??? missing mad crazy. preposterously ludicrous a notion as it may be, a busy bee workaholic lifestyle cannot be a fault, after all, it is a hard knock life.

boy into man...

2009-10-23T01:08:00.000-07:00

today, is the day the male sibling got enlisted into army. compulsory conscription might sound and seem barbaric to some, but guess it cannot be helped unless one's parents had a country's treasury, like say dubai, worth of dollar bills to buy one's way out of it. today, is the day the boy, supposedly, according to daddy, becomes a man. how true that statement stands, guess one will see in time to come. until then, well, one can only hope military life will do right by him.

good... better... best...

2009-10-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

work is good. busy is good, very busy is better, extremely busy, no, make that overworked is best. helps to keep those crappy unthinkable stray thoughts at bay.

belgium...

2009-10-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

there and back, belgium was certainly more than what me had bargained for in more ways than one. for all the good, bad, happy and sad, well, guess it was all part of the package. it would not be what it was, if there was anything less.

belgian waffles, check, and on an unusually entertaining boat ride to boot. belgian chocolates, check, of which even got my hands dirty, lovingly of course, with the enticing aroma of chocolate whilst on a crash course apprenticeship with a famous chocolatier. belgian mussels, check, salted as can be, in a little pot. belgian friedkot, check, fresh out of artery clogging beef oil, in a traditional paper cone, alongside tonnes of flavorful sauces, and sinfully yummilicious. belgian ice tea, lipton no less, of which tried the lemon and peach flavors, and well, it was something rather unique, and simply delectable with the fizz to make it sparklingly refreshing. on hindsight, sounds like all that has been mentioned so far has to do with the eats and drink. so in short, really, food, glorious food.

it was nothing short of being a sanctuary, with the scenary to boot, beautifully picturesque in its seamless blend of something new and something old. loved the streets of old cobbles though they were bloody painful to walk on when on anything higher than ground level, and the broken stiletto heels in my suitcase are proof of that. much rather be on nice flat soles that do not go round crippling the feet, pity work is work and flats are out of the question unless stated otherwise by wardrobe. there was a lovely ring to the clippety clop of the heels against the cobbles though, and somehow made me feel a little like a horse.

so many places, a sea of faces. soaking in the sights and sounds as if there was no tomorrow was the game of day everyday whilst trying to get by making it through each day. each did get more difficult than the last, unbelievably unexpected, but true, especially with all that went on.

belgium reminded me of my not so faraway european nest, and a sweet housemommy who was missed very dearly, and so had dropped her a text to say a little hi and to tell her she was missed. pity there was no time in between shooting to do much else, or would probably have been tempted to hop on a plane or boat or bus or whatever would have taken me there for a good old fashioned hug to tell her that much. so little time, so much to do. though belgium was not my city of dreams, it was nonetheless irrevocably a place no less beautiful for all it was worth, and a temporary utopia for what and when little it could be. au revoir belgium, thank you for the magical spell of enchantment you casted in your seductive street lights, charming cafes, lonely lanes, and alluring air, even if it was short lived, and very much just that of one moment in time of ineffable affinity.

so sick...

2009-10-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

so sick...

that something as necessary as drinking water is a chore onto itself.

that something as natural as breathing is painfully difficult.

that want for a worser condition seems ironically better than this sapping limbo.

that yearning for a chasm to fall into becomes inherently quintessential.

that what is of now feels right though it probably sounds downright sickly bizarre.

that being this ill is an actual respite.

that being is a punishment unto itself.

that delusion precedes all else.

the inevitable fall...

2009-09-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

as the dimming lights shrank sprightly small...

made it to the final curtain call...

standing tall...

and after the tight reined hold of all within...

the threatening spill came with closing nightfall...

exhaustion beyond that could make any proud figure crawl...

the inevitable fall...

let me...

2009-09-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

"let me win, but if i cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt."

that certainly ain't an easy feat to manage, that much is for sure. so special olympic and olympians, thank you, for this one very precious lesson that was taught in a time of long ago.

close girlfriend's wedding...

2009-09-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

crazy busy schedule from rehearsals and all almost tore me away from attending a close girlfriend's wedding whom had promised to go for ages ago. the small affair was nothing short of beautiful, and really could not be happier for the couple given that they were really the epitome of perfect imperfection, intertwined to breathe a whole new definition into what it means to have lives meant to be melded together.

best part would probably be the fact that there is actually a part two to it, very much like a sequel indeed, and god knows what that would be like when it happens. until then, bet it does not get any whackier than the uber cool wedding entrance with the whole entourage dancing down the aisle. makes me think back on my own crazy impulsive moments where there was this temptation to yell out "happy new year" in the church when the clock struck the auspicious hour of midnight where the new year was being ushered in with the church bells striking its twelve rings in slow sureness, with the entire congregation in golden silence, the atmosphere in an unbelievable ethereal peace.

well, in my defence, this little one was eight then and thought that would be pretty cool since it has never been done before, though that would probably have shamed my parents into wanting to go into hiding in the himalayas for the rest of their living days. that was never done, though there has been many a time where the "what if..." was pondered about. after all, insane antics like these are certainly once in a lifetime, irreplaceable, and very much unforgettable.

build up...

2009-09-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

an ominous feeling, that weird sense of knowing, of when the end would be.

a sight foreseen, far beyond human comprehension, where the build up of what is, would somehow become, what would eventually land up as, with each step an impending move towards calamity.

what then and where after that one ineludible capitulation???

is...

2009-09-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

many a day, there is this one thought that creeps up in all its silence, after lying in complete stillness, dormant, patiently waiting, waiting for an opportunity to pounce that random surprise that would throw me totally off balance. many a time, it never fails to do so. no reason why.

nevertheless, a fortuitous tidbit like this would somehow conveniently pop on by, inadvertently reminding me of that one lesson often carelessly forgotten. and somehow, somewhere, along the way, another is conveniently stringed along. times like these make me question if there really is such a thing known as an arbitary incident, or if such instances actually play into a "chance happening" where it is, in all actuality, just another micropiece of a gigantuan puzzle.

we are not really all that different, neither are we all that similar. if so, what are we really then??? or rather, think the bigger, as well as more prelevant, question is actually about the "who", and not so much the "what".

somehow, for some strange reason, the old man spoke to me, in that tiny instant, when he told the girl to close her eyes. it brought me back to that one moment in time, where it was once possible to actually play a piano piece, and an examination piece at that, with my eyes shut. remembered my piano teacher telling me to just let my fingers glide over the black and white keys, as it instinctively would, and just, well, go by feel. in my mind, it was deemed mission impossible. however, apparently, it was not quite so. not only was the piece played blindly, it was, miraculously, executed flawlessly. a high distinction was scored for that particular piano practical examination. it was the very first, and sadly, also the very last. that said, this one off, is probably better off far buried beneathe the sands of time, coming under the category of "an accident" that belongs in a time, of too long ago.

perhaps, it is imperative, and time, to be that little child once more. or is it importunate to leave it all behind, and be that little child no more??? or perhaps, it is what it is.

crash landing...

2009-09-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

crash landing into a deck of black and white...

a catalysmic soul shattering obscured in frightfully chaotic sight...

nothing more than life's sacrilegious concetto and contemptuous slight...

touch down...

2009-09-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

touch downs used to have, albeit only very little, a sense of welcome, no matter where they were. do not get me wrong, for really am a fond lover of the beautiful blue skies, just that, there is something this inexplicable feeling about touch downs. pity it ain't enough for me to want to kiss the ground, no as yet that is.

mayhap it is to do with that know of coming to a snug hug to make the hateful tears and fears go away, even if for that teeny bit. mayhap it is to do with that know of a fond catch up on all that has been missed in the midst of neverending spontaneous changes. mayhap it is to do with that know of a life beyond.

the plane still lands without much of a hitch. the walk through those gates are as they were, yet, something in the air, something about the touch down, is, just, somehow, no longer. such is the extent of the disconnection.

another...

2009-08-29T12:33:00.000-07:00

another to add...

another who left...

another unexpected goodbye...

flight...

2009-08-25T01:08:00.000-07:00

in perilous plight...

getting outta sight...

gonna take flight...

foolish clown...

2009-08-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

endless days trawling all around...

pattering raindrops on the ground...

without a sight...

without a sound...

once again the foolish clown...

smarty pants...

2009-08-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

to non celebrating non chalant bored out of your wits smarty pants, happy birthday you, sorry, make that happy belated birthday. and you can jolly well go "parabéns para mim". go figure.

too tired...

2009-08-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

one gets really tired when the yammering from all the drilling by the construction upstairs kills what little of one's sleep over the period of god knows how many days by now.

one is exceptionally tired at the thought of being the probable cause of someone's want of death.

just really too goddamn tired for anything by half.

gone wrong...

2009-08-15T05:31:00.000-07:00

days like these make life beyond painful. something is up in the air, and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. a dark cloud is hovering over my angel, and it is worrying, very worrying, though the worst part, is probably knowing it was, no, is all my fault.

splash...

2009-08-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

work trips can be both business and pleasure, if the former is completely accomplished, and the latter in monitored moderation. one thing is for sure, the weekend was quite a splash, in more ways than one. was one of those lucky ones who had the better and worst end of the stick all at once, but guess it could be considered all part of the fun, if one can genuinely think of hitting the waters, no, make that being flung and go flying into the waters, not once, but twice, from a banana boat ride due to mischievous sabotage from the boat man, and having the body pretty much battered and bruised from the hard hits.

pretty much was up the whole weekend work trip doing a little unexpected caretaking, now it is just a matter of crossing the fingers that there is no further whiplash from the happenings. if anything, the girlfriend was right in saying "alcohol and girls equal trouble", though in honesty, think "free flow alcohol and girls equate to disaster waiting to happen" is more like it. it is a record in itself that there ain't no body count, though the aftermath ain't much of a pretty sight either.

that said, the beautiful beach scenary and some of the nicer bits of the schedule that was gotten for the shooting totally made up for all the icky misgivings. a powdery sandy beach, with sand creamy white and unbelievably soft that my feet were in foot heaven, not to mention the aquamarine crystal clear blue waters by the shore, and the gradients of blue spanned across the sea. a wondrous sight beyond description indeed, and with it, an unexpected reminder of promises unfulfilled, and unrealized dreams.

such splendour with its twinge of simplicity is definitely more than enough to want to head back again for a short getaway on my own, just to have time and space away from it all, and somehow find headway with where things are going, or seem to be at least. and perhaps, just perhaps, sense and sensibility will all come crashing back, with a renewed clarity, just like those very waters, in sure repetitive waves against the shore. and in a reluctant departure, the troubled worries will unwittingly, somehow or other, be left behind.

everything of late has been pretty much like mortal combat, and survival of the fittest is getting a little too tired for liking. a rat race this is, and a bloody brutal one at that. wonder if would eventually end up making some big splash, alongside an eyecatching headliner going, "dead for nothing".

spoilt surprise...

2009-08-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

rushed like mad after the overnight work trip so as to be able to celebrate mommy's birthday with her, even if it is only for those last few minutes before the clock strikes twelve. well, made it back in time, with a little surprise on the side for her, only for the cat to be let out of the bag, by an all too practical daddy who did not think twice despite the specific reminders to keep mom. it really bummed me and took the surprise out of "surprise" literally, especially after all the effort to try to get it done somehow.

it was not very much, just a simple cake and a softly sung song. one can only hope that mommy did not mind that it was that drib drab given all the last minute happenings. at least it can be said, without all the fancy ado, in all its true plainness, it is with all one's well wishes and love.

moral of the story, never ever trust your daddy to keep a surprise, it can only get spoilt. that aside, got to give him credit for coming to pick me up so that am able to make it back before the cinderella hour, so guess that cancels out his undoing. so yes, once again, happy birthday mommy.

done...

2009-07-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

sleepless nights once more for awhile now, but a relatively good thing in view of what is to come. do more in less, that would indeed be the best. perhaps it is time to churn out the sleeping ungodly habits and make full use of what little time there is.

comments of "you are smaller" came and went flying over more than once, the gastric flu is cleaning me out rather nicely, so there is a clear gastrointestinal system at the very least. did a job at night and really danced. a little too rusty for the liking, and creaky to be sure, but apparently a dancing sprite spirit hidden somewhere.

ride was a smite longer than usual, perhaps because there was a haunting want, somehow, to drive everything away. a little furry cuddly came acrawling, managing to finally find its way back. as the nights turn into days, and go passing by in a subtle blur, cuddle up to my odd shaped butterball it will be for whatever little comfort there could be offered in a tenacious squeeze, with it behind in a tiny crevice at the back of the mind, that after all that has been said and done, it is really, genuinely, finally, done.

a walk in the rain...

2009-07-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

some things will happen, as some of them will. no when, no why and not even how. nothing at best

love rainy days and stormy nights, huffing winds and wet roads. cools the air and soothes the soul. a silent walk, so stealthily slow, a walk in the rain to fool the pain.

teardrops from heaven, above the skies. a night of deep and quiet sighs. rain, rain, my dearest rain, please feel free to come again.

nowhere around...

2009-07-27T00:09:00.000-07:00

without a rhyme or word, my broken handed angel has gone missing and is nowhere around, taking flight without even a goodbye. worrying, extremely worrying. crying.

crash...

2009-07-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

when things go bad, as they always will. it makes one think, and go all still. how is it that the car suspensions went, with the added airbag explosion, and still in that crash, why did this one not become road kill???

the redundancy of existence remains to be seen as a gift of life. never mind good intentions, they will always be deemed as pretentious. screw good will, it will only cause some nasty spill.

there is no right, there is no wrong. there is no point, been all along. when it spins all out of control, perhaps there will be a crash once more, a crash and burn, a hope that soon.

tummy rampage...

2009-07-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

the stomach has pretty much started its own version of the french revolution yet again. thankfully managed to keep it all in without making a fugly mess when out with the parents and godsiblings for dinner. unfortunately, it just decided to make a dormant retreat for all of a stinking day.

it is pretty much back to the norm of everything that goes in will end up out, be it up and down. unexpectedly got pretty bad to the point it was like the first few days where the fingers and legs just degraded into a bowl of jello that typing a text takes too many minutes to count and pressing on the keys just takes too much strength. well, good thing out of it all, is that the gastrointestinal system is getting a major free overhaul with the cleansing session from the impromptu detoxification, though do not really fancy turning into a sickly shade of green.

never thought there would be a day where would say that the smell of food is revolting, literally. moreover ain't funny that no brainer boyfriends, or pea brainers to give them the benefit of the doubt, can actually shoot the all time insipidly stupid question if am preggers with the display of "pregger" symptoms. oh well, the tummy rampage is still ongoing, although seriously, parking in the bathroom ain't quite exactly my idea of fun, even if there is a tremendous love for holing up in my own cubbyhole.

unveiling...

2009-07-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

the unveiling begins...

the unheralded sighted...

the mystery exposed...

as silence abates...

a show awaits...

sight out of the blue...

2009-07-20T03:33:00.000-07:00

it has been quite awhile since the last time a dream popped into sight in the middle of sleep. two possible explanations to that, one being the scientific one where one's mind is just too overactive for its own good that it overrides into the sleep system later on when the body decides to get shut eye, and two being the never believed but happens time travel so that there would be the pop up dejavu feeling in the future, or the old "something is happening to someone me know who is close to me". well, going with the history of how the dodo's life has been, the conclusion naturally fell into the pachinko pocket of the last bit of an option.

it is certainly not one signs up for, but it is what it is, has been what it has been. the worst part is probably knowing that nuts can be done despite knowing, albeit an unconventional way, what is going on, of sorts. that said, weird blue moon jack in the box dreams with no particular or specific meaning for the matter can drive anyone absolutely nuts, especially when the encountered person in it yesternight is completely unexpected.

talk about a sight out of the blue. that has to be randomity at its best, not. not looking forward to the part when everything fast forwards somehow and am going to be hit with finding out what the dream means, not to mention that nagging little bit of why, unexplained just really does not cut it.

shower woes...

2009-07-09T23:52:00.000-07:00

taking a shower like the olden time samsui female, via the hand bucket, ain't exactly my idea of fun. unfortunately, little can be done when the shower faucet decided to quit and fall apart a few days back. without much of a choice, or any choice for the matter, had to fall back on taking a shower the old fashioned way, just that was not wrapped up in a sarong and standing by the well or riverside.

the regular shower was not too bad. it was the hair washing that drove me absolutely nuts. doing it by the hand bucket method certainly takes quite some skill, am just thanking god the hot water did not die on me at the same time.

am totally relieved that the problem has been fixed, probably to the point that might have kissed the bathroom floor in all gladness, almost that is. well, got to say that it was quite an experience for all the inconvenience, though the bigger lesson learnt was to never take modern technology and its usefulness for granted, especially since the dependence on it is enough to cripple one to tears with the frustration caused. if anything, guess the only good that can come out of this incident, is that saved a little on the water bill this month.

washing machine...

2009-07-07T03:33:00.000-07:00

the stomach decided to go on strike and go down with a flu bug. one thing is for sure, gastric flu ain't stomach friendly. pretty much feel like a human washing machine with everything on a perpetual spin cycle. looks like the bug would take no courtesy and stick around like a bloody leech since it has decided to visit, yucks. on second thought, make that double yucks.

clouds...

2009-07-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

cosette sang that there is a castle on a cloud, but in truth, there is really none there, so there can be little comfort in a place, that fails to exist, where there can be no crying there. reality really does bite the dust, so little wonder why cosette was set with the task of sweeping floors. there is no room for sweet dreams, what more of sound sleep.

raised up on clouds to see the skies, just as one tries and opens one eyes, and touch the stars once admired from afar. that, is all but a fancy illusion and a foolhardy chase, because all it takes, is a drop to the ground, and fall on one's face. wonder what really hurts more, or rather, if it even hurts at all.

time to get the head out of the clouds. time to get the feet on the ground. time for dreams to die and end.

home...

2009-07-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

missing home...

missing the splendour of fireworks...

happy birthday...

good shoes...

2009-07-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

there are no cinderella moments in this lifetime, and one should never ever expect such. with the fact in mind that there is no such thing as a happy ending, it does make fodder for thought if that is why trying is hard, and more often than not, futile as well. or rather, is it probably the feeling of it that is the tough, or tougher part to chew and digest.

"one must always possess a good pair of shoes, for a good pair of shoes will take you places", somewhere along those lines. heard that from god knows where, but for some inane reason, it has somewhat insidiously decide to stay stuck in my head. strange as it might sound, it does actually make sense, cow sense probably, but it does, in a roundabout sort of way, and if so, then reckon my good shoes are yet to be found, because in all honesty, there ain't no perfect fit.

these shoes are made for walking, and that is what they will do. one of these days, these shoes are gonna walk all over you. that, and more.

those itchy hands...

2009-06-30T02:07:00.000-07:00

those itchy hands were deserving of a sentence no less than that of decapitation. the idiot of those itchy hands was probably itching for a deed of emasculation in cold blood. those itchy hands "acting" on such behavior, even if under the influence of alcohol, is inexcusable, no matter how, no matter what.

those itchy hands should have digits brutally broken at every single joint, with those metacarpels crushed, and probably also run over by an old smoking train running on coal, smashed into calcium shards beyond repair. those itchy hands should have every running arteriole, venule and capillary snapped like that of broken violin strings. those itchy hands should have every muscle fibre picked at, pulled at and twisted with steel forceps.

the idiot of those itchy hands should have been made a modern day eunuch for the better good of every female for no female should ever be subjected to such degradation and disrespect. the worst part, is not just the feeling of disgust that arises for such lowlives, but rather, that for one's being and gender alongside the shame and resentment. the world is unfair indeed, and this is just one of the many loathed bits of it.

a gentleman's bliss...

2009-06-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

unforgettable moments that were simply beyond description, are all that can be said about big brother barney's wedding. it has been years since last saw godbrother barney, and the next monumental time we did meet, had to be his red letter day. time is really slipping by.

big brother barney is really a little like barney the dinosaur, in terms of longitudinal size that is. he has goddaddy benny's giant stature and is massively tall, though skinny like a beanpole and not all that huggable, though goddaddy benny was alot more huggable given his love for food, what more with godmommy brenda being a top notch cook. giants they may appear to be, but there is nothing, in the least, intimidating about them at all. if anything, it can only be said that there is a quiet strength in these two gentlemanly softhearted giants me know from the beginning of time, or at least, in the beginning of my knowing them. perhaps the term "pillars of strength" is more apt. guess that would make them pretty good candidates for the infamous name of "twin towers".

quiet as a church mouse, literally, big brother barney was a boy of few words, and a man of fewer words. think any of our conversational exchanges in my lifetime, can be easily counted on two hands, tops. the number of questions in each conversation would only make one hand at most, with the answers to those questions, in counted words, making up the fingers of the other hand, with the out of the blue, rarer than the blue moon, answer having words, in a sentence, making up my twenty fingers and toes, maximum.

the wedding speech, had him talking more than have ever heard in my whole lifetime, literally. that was and will probably be the only time where will ever hear big brother barney have a case of verbal diarrhoea. and apparently, he did not just have verbal diarrhoea. he also sang, in front of a whole church of people, for the new wife. this part surprised even my godparents and godsisters, let alone the friends. they would never ever think he was even capable of singing. that was how underused his larynx and pharynx was. seriously, either it is the bride, or he is making up for lost time. if you ask me, honestly think it is the bride. well, good for him if it is really so, because it must be and has got to be one of those made in heaven matches that is going to and will work out.

even more unbelievable, was catching big brother barney tearing in his wedding video when he was saying his wedding vows. of course there was also that momentous scene, secretly captured, where goddaddy benny was tearing, again. beautifully tearjerking, not to mention heartwarming to actually see the emotions behind those tears of two very dear gentle giants, if not for the fact my tearducts are out of order and have none to fall. although have never met the wife, let alone talk to her, the first time being that three seconds where got to express my heartfelt congratulations at the farewell door line up, this is one red string that was not wrongly tied, thank god. could not be happier for big brother barney, even if he failed to recognize me. nothing new, considering it is just another one of those things that has been happening a fair bit more than normal, as usual, especially when little boy ain't just one feet tall no more. all in all, one week ago, it was a day of a gentleman's bliss, in every sense of the word, pun intended.

sleepless...

2009-06-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

sleepless on a crepuscular island...

stuck in a dreary dream...

nights into days...

days into nights...

seamlessly ceaseless solitude...

swine flu...

2009-06-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

it certainly ain't everyday that one hears a girlfriend contracting the ongoing epidemic of a bug. it, all the more, ain't quite the best of news to hear that another girlfriend is quarantined and hospitalized while in suspicion of it. the worst part was probably only knowing after the whole fiasco had happened and was long over, by like a day, of which it was the day after she was discharged.

if anything, it does makes me wonder if one should be more wary of the flu, especially since mommy just came back from hongkong with a damn bug, not to mention a boyfriend who got stuck in some infested reservist camp for a few extra days due to the new out of the blue popups. first mommy, then girlfriend, and now me. yes, am sort of coming down with abit of a bug yet again, it ain't my fault that the game of "musical chair" flu can be oh so fun.

cannot help but love to, want to and am extremely tempted to sneeze right now in some public area with a sea of gazillions swarming about, just for the fun of watching people part like the red sea. this is one more valid reason to hate pork. goddamn swine flu.

outfit misfit...

2009-06-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

think it can be said that am born to be ousted in this lifetime to be an outfit misfit. wardrobe problems first happened a couple of weeks back, and somehow just became the subsequent pattern of norm there after at every possible occurrence. not funny.

saturday was me playing santa claus lugging a gigantuan assed duffel bag of shoes and clothes around. was not the first time and really doubt it would be the last, just that it gets pretty taxing on the shoulders and back as the bag has a tendancy to increase in dimension due to the crazy demands. five pairs of bottoms, couple of which were old loved baggy jeans, and three pairs of shoes, non inclusive of the jeans and shoes that was wearing, totally made my day, not. this is considering that the whole team decided not to use any of the shoes in the end because they were competitor brands and there would be a branding problem. poking needles into voodoo dolls with the team's hair strands, nail clippings or epidermal layers in them became the most tempting notion of the day.

my changeabout with the outfit during the last assignment, last minute once again, was another "wheee" incident. this time it was two bottoms, five tops and two pairs of shoes in the "magical doraemon" bag. thank god there was a bag size downgrade this time around, because seriously, any further upgrades will kill my aging and getting more brittle by the day crooked spine.

not to mention the constant change of dresses couple weeks back in the wardrobe unit or at the shoot. those few minutes slipping in and out of sewn together bits of satin, silk or chiffon probably had me in more dresses than can be accounted for in my whole lifetime put together, and yes, even counting in the baptismal baby outfit as well in my pint sized stages. talk about major skin crawl.

the conclusion from the outfit fiascos that have happened to date??? for one, it allows me to totally comprehend why stylists lug around baggage trunks. outfit chaos is really just a suitcase solution away, only if it is provided and even exists to begin with. two, to probably seriously consider the thought of carrying all that "necessary" junk around in a trolley suitcase. three, to pray for a bloody miracle when it comes to fitting sessions so that future headsplitting migraines can somehow be downgraded to a dull bad throb at most.

magic...

2009-06-17T02:07:00.000-07:00

it ain't an everyday event getting an assignment that is celebrity studded, especially when it is one of such big scale that even the "entertainment" is flown in. certainly unexpected and a huge ass bonus if you ask me, especially when one is paid to work and gets to watch. of course, minus the screwups here and there, everywhere actually to be more precise.

bumped into quite a few familiar old faces. could not be recognized as usual, probably due to the size difference, alongside the same old "before and after extreme makeover" trick. it is always fun surprising people in such a way, my cheap thrill, sadly.

everyone was probably more mesmerized by the korean actress from some latest drama serial, while fantasizing fluffy daydreams of getting together with the local hot bod paul foster, or the specially flown in sizzling magician. paul was a real doll in honesty, be it in speech or mannerism. thank god there are people out there with manners and down to earth attitudes.

cyril did indeed work his magic, dazzling the ladies, as usual, and swept them off their feet, so much so they were pretty much looking to be walking on cloud nine. got to give it to him that he is bloody good in his trade. then again, he has to be, or else he would not have been flown in to stage a performance here.

before that, none of the girls knew nor cared two hoots who the hell cyril takayama was. think they probably had several second, and third, thoughts after the night was over, though cannot say the same for the guys. staying in the background as much was the modus operandi as usual, watching the whole world go by. and boy does it get entertaining from the sidelines, especially when one catches the guys having a case of sour grapes with the whole alpha male testosterone raging "competition" going on the moment the other girls start primping and going positively gaga over cyril, not to mention the massive bitch fight going on between two groups of girls. lesson of the night though, just do not be the one to get entangled into the mess of a bitch fight, because it really is a bitch to be in. and yes, to put a face to the name to who the hell cyril is.

faceless...

2009-06-13T02:07:00.000-07:00

ever heard of the saying that there is person somewhere around the other side of the world who is technically, in a roundabout way, your non biological twin, considering the "imitation" is a walking replica of you??? ever had another person go, "you look like so and so"??? in all seriousness, am pretty sure that happens at least once, at the very least, in this lifetime, what more the possible others, if other lifetimes even exist in the first place that is.

believe it or not, have heard and had the "you look like so and so" bit a little too often for comfort in this recent period. not to say that it ain't a compliment to say the very least, considering the "so and so" names that have been thrown out are pretty, well, prominent. and if in the case one does happen to be genetically gifted and blessed with some sort of penny's worth of semblance to those few famed "so and so" beings, thankfully human, then one ought to feel honored, not to mention complimented, no???

if anything, if anything at all, compliment aside, one only ends up feeling as if one does not have a face to call one's own. goes to show, that perhaps, one ain't quite so unique after all, and a face, is no more than a template of a blank palette with contours of a pair of eyes and ears, a nose and a mouth that can be construed to look like another with skillful deft brush strokes of facial paint. at the end of the day, one is just, well, to put it bluntly, faceless, and there is no me to begin with.

a little low...

2009-06-12T12:51:00.000-07:00

a little low on brain juice...

a little low on energy...

a little low on blood pressure and glucose too...

knock...

2009-06-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

always been one to mind my own business and not go about messing with others if it can be helped, though not to say that help would not be offered if say an accident were to happen and a lending hand would be a nice gesture. been unwittingly in too many sorts of accidents, due to natural born tendancies of accident prone clumsiness to have that bit of first hand knowledge. on top of that, this ungrateful world degraded into a condition whereby the dog bites the hand that feeds it, so really, it is impossible to blame anyone for starting to adopt and personify the mentality of "why bother" when there really ain't no point being a kind soul when it does not pay to be good.

minding my own beeswax does not mean that am completely oblivious to the surrroundings such that one becomes a walking roadblock who gets in the way, though got to say, that am just one of those poor unfortunate souls who just ends up being "the accident". such is my lousy life. think "walking accident" should be illuminated on my forehead like a fluorescent neon signboard or something, with "please stand clear" tattooed across my back as a precautionary safety measure.

was just in a candy store picking out some candy when this slightly above middle aged old uncle was moving a trolley full of boxes of goods stacked a hill high for stock replacement. was itchy handed to want to help since he apparently appeared to be struggling with the tonne load, especially with beads of perspiration pouring down his balding crown and neck like the niagara falls. thought better of it and decided not to as did not want to get him in trouble since the candy store staff were watching him like hawks for one, plus it is also his job, and there are anal pricks who get offended when one crosses the line when it infringes into this circle called "job". neatly sidestepped and gave way to him so that he could move past easily with the trolley load and get what he needs done so that he could maybe finish up earlier, perhaps to head home to a wife and kids for dinner, while me went back to my candy search. the candy store flooring was a little uneven due to cracks and patches in the linoneum, was even staring at one ill repaired "hole" for awhile and had a feeling that something was about to happen.

true enough, split seconds later, "the walking accident" lived up to the reputation of being "the accident". as the the uncle was unloading the boxes, the trolley was rolling about slightly in a to and fro manner due to the weight shift. the trolley is unforgiving as it has no eyes, nor brakes for the matter, and so therefore, was the infelicitous "hit and run" victim. long story short, the trolley, still stacked with boxes, probably a molehill high now considering the uncle had unloaded a couple, rammed straight into my back, and hitting my spine and jabbing my tailbone. considering it happened before one could blink, became the candy store's hit of the moment statuette, pun intended. just too pained to say a word and too stunned to even yelp an "ouch". goddamnit, it still hurts like a bitch till now, all thanks to the old tail bone injury.

so much for being good intentions in a non helpful manner. perhaps that was retribution for the lack of altruism, or for that piteous pittance of gracious generosity. on a serious note, if the knock has to happen in all its predestination, then for crying out loud, knock me down already, dead would be good, because unceremonious insipid half hearted ones like these are just agonizingly torturous, and a complete pain, literally.

murder...

2009-06-05T03:33:00.000-07:00

shoe shopping is total excruciation. it boggles me till now to no end how on earth females can shoe shop and innocuously try and try and try pair after pair, ridiculously parking in the shoe store for a good hour or so, and more probably, then zap up an exorbitantly fat bill with the supposed final selection of box hill, no, mountain, of shoes. seriously, all of that, when humans are only born, to my knowledge of clinical anatomy, with only one pair of feet?!?

unfortunately, there was not really much of a choice, given that the need arose for such an onerous deed to be done, or else it would probably take godzilla, or maybe king kong, or the incentive of a billion dollars, to boot kick me out of the house. if feet could talk at this point, mine would be crying bloody murder and yelling at me like a shrieking banshee. my feet ain't calling the calvary in, so reckon they have either decided to play the rebel, or throw in the towel and wave the white flag in defeat, or have completely died and ascended to foot heaven, or heel and toe hell from all the distress they have been painfully subjected to.

now know why heels in this modern age and time are famed silent barbaric assassins, where they are commonly, and affectionately to some, nicknamed as "killer heels". it is not without reason, because heels, all five inches of it, murder one's feet, literally. and no, the devil ain't wearing prada.

one knows...

2009-06-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

one knows one is loved by one's parents when:

1) one's daddy discreetly changes one's toothbrush just because the concurrent one is a little old, with the bristles starting to sprout in a haywire pattern and the color indicator, which hollers "time for a toothbrush change", just about to completely disappear into nothingness. not to mention, it is of a favorite color at that.

2) one's daddy plays chauffeur in the middle of the night, at any godforsaken hour one rings the "help, am stranded" button, or any time of the day if a ride back is really needed, without a single word of complaint. got to put a disclaimer here that this service is used very sparingly and only in cases of emergency, like when one is about to flop dead on one's feet.

3) one's daddy hangs one's medication on the doorknob or on the table, and monitors the medication taking moreso than oneself, like a hawk to be precise.

4) one's mommy buys and puts one's favorite foods on the table or leaves in the refrigerator in a nonchalant manner as if it was there before, just sitting around, when it had just miraculously appeared out of nowhere as if whipped out by some elusive fairy godmother. she even queues up like some mad woman at some god knows what supposedly famous, opens once in a blue moon, roasted barbeque meat noodles stall for a good hour, just so she can share that rare unforgettable morning breakfast moment with one. even better, she packs it so that it is pretty much a breakfast in bed moment.

5) one's mommy texts, calls and bugs one "have you eaten yet???", "remember to eat" and leaves notes like "hungry??? food in the fridge", "do not eat the leftovers, leave it for me, bought xxx for you" lying around on the door, on the refrigerator door, on the mirror and any other surface that allows for a post it note to stick itself to.

6) one's mommy hangs out one's laundry after the washing machine has decided to be done with its spinning rounds just so one can have a little bit more sleep because one has been that tired out from the shooting madness.

7) one's parents nag, yell and whinge one's ears off, but only because it is out of loving concern that they say what they say, and do what they do, even if it does grate on one's nerves at times.

8) one's parents mask up like ninja warriors due to the swine flu epidemic when they enter one's room to send food and medication to the quarantined bed patient suffering from a really lousy bad bout of regular flu.

in return???

one knows one loves one's parents, when one attempts to tolerate the despicable pungent pong that rushes out like tsunami waves and slaps one's guts inside out when one opens the refrigerator door that comes from a horrendous green prickly abominable atrocity, just because it is their age old delightful love. even if it is that disgustingly stinky. till then, reckon it is in one's best interest to stay a mile away from that refrigerator door, at least for the next two weeks, to preserve one's sanity, even if barely.

standing here...

2009-05-29T01:53:00.000-07:00

standing here...

face to face...

what is there???

all of nothing...

do you see???

do you see...

me... standing here???

could have...

2009-05-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

could have danced all night...

reminded to try on them shoes...

once again...

amidst the hidden thousand things...

pondering...

forsaken...

2009-05-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

promises broken...

nothing taken...

life forsaken...

shot...

2009-05-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

shoot, shoot, and still shooting. the aftermath from the insane intensity of the past couple of weeks has left me barely standing, pun intended. my flat duck feet are not made for wearing anything with a heel elevation above ground level, especially of the three and a half to five inch sort. if my feet could cry, they would be bawling tears of the cats and dogs rain sort. from the batty wake up times of five odd to make ludicrous seven o'clock reporting times for hair and makeup in consequence sequence of days on end at a place where monkeys sleep in plush greenery and erratic levels of peaceful waters of a reservoir at a stone's throw away, certainly ain't kidding when say it is crazy hectic madness in every sense.

yet, there is an aberrant placidity about it all despite all the screwups that have popped by as frequent as bird droppings in a park. "last minute" certainly ain't no friendly buddy, especially when it has a passion for wrecking chaos with a vengence. all that can be done, is to keep bumping around till the right mix is found, if it can be found in the first place in all the muddling, hopefully. when murphy's law is at work, people are bound to end up having a screw loose somewhere eventually. it just is. moreso for the poor nanny who has to do all the caretaking, or rather, nannies since there will be another to report to soon enough. anyone and everyone feels really sorry for nanny as she pretty much looks as if she is about to break into tears at any point.

cranky has certainly been riding on everyone. and no, it does not go along with sympathy. it pretty much morphs everyone and anyone into meanies of ogre size who go around eating people alive, though got to add, that metamorphosis is somewhat more exclusive to some more than others. ain't kidding when say it is pretty much being lambaste by a whole firing squad with a neverending supply of firearms and ammunition. so totally shot.

nightmare in wonderland...

2009-05-21T23:59:00.001-07:00

the past couple of nights of shooting have been a little like that of scenes taken out from alice in wonderland. for one, it ain't every day that one has a propitious moment to tinker around in a chapel turned restaurant as a playground, so guess that certainly gets to be filed under the category of pretty damn cool. of course, minus the threats of having hot wax rain on me from an exquisite standing candlebra, or being hit by a spotlight or any of the light equipment from the uneven scabrous semi mud puddle of a grass patch.

the second night was awfully unnerving given that was under the scrutiny of half a dozen eyes at any one time. our little table that was set aside was artificially cozy, without a doubt every inch the epitome of fine dining experience. bottle after bottle of bubbly popped specially for us just for food pairing. fatigue was the permanent partner of the day for everyone, so little wonder why we all went mad as a hatter past a certain point of the night, the wackiness ranging from silly foreign accents, to bad unintentional puns, to crazed talking to blank space, shadows and potted plants. the sky was pretty much the limit, and the world pretty topsy turvy, and no, it was not the champagne at work of inebriation to the point where pink elephants were seen in a herd march.

lights, camera, action, over, and over, and over again ain't no joke. talk about nightmare in wonderland. got to credit that the five course dinner was nothing short of scrumptious, and a delectable delight through and through at this unconventional late tea party, and no, it ain't no rabbit food. the course of dessert at repeat would be one sweet bonus although the level of full was up to the forehead whilst only at the appetizer. although would have to say, the cherry on the top was getting to bump into denise, although do not have a penchant for cherries, on the second night, and getting to hitch a ride back in an aston martin the first. way cool. what a way to end the night??? hell yeah. that much is for sure. and definitely more to come.

clumsy bones...

2009-05-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

keep knocking into doors, ledges, walls, basically anything of hard surface for no strange reason these couple of days. anything that was of a joint and solidified porous calcium just did, from the elbow, to the knee, even the hip bone. it hurt, yet did not.

there is now better comprehension as to why wall punching can become an occurrence under inebriated circumstances. the substitution of one pain for another, one that was, perhaps, easier to bear and feel. did not deliberately start a duel with the hard surfaces around, just happened to keep ramming into something on an accidental basis, and no, not on anything of any sort of alcoholic content or crack.

accident prone just took a whole new level with this clumsy bones business. reckon my nerves are probably a little more frazzled than usual, either that, or completely fizzed out with this out of sort, out of body offness. really, there is no pain.

web of deceit...

2009-05-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

biggest fiction fabricated...

the start of the weaving...

web of deceit...

wisps of threads...

spun in silent tinsel rhapsody...

trapped in ambidexterity...

a life of calophantic pretence...

illusion...

2009-05-18T02:07:00.000-07:00

happiness an evasive gossamery illusion...

existential at best...

ambiguous in between...

defunct at worst...

passing me by...

never ever mine...

beautifully crafted deception...

bleed out...

2009-05-17T00:09:00.000-07:00

cruising at midnight on highways or long stretches of road with green light all the way through pacify the raving lunacy that drives me. was on the road in an area too familiar, at the tip of the t junction away from the decrepit dilapidated hellhouse. when the call came singing, was trying to grab my cell from my bag whilst trying to be careful trying not to go abanging into someone's ass or veer off course. somehow or other, there was this out of the blue off feeling of peril. mayhap that may be due to the earlier spillage of precious evian at my doorstep, talk about the most expensive doorstep spring cleaning done in a split second. if anything, have learnt never to ever doubt one's sixth sense, and true enough, it was not totally off. for it was a fateful call, one that would had have me gone crashing and in a position of inadvertably bleed out.

driving past the subway station that brought a cabbie driving at a crazy mad rush from my area to this area, all because of one tired traveller's attempt to spring a consequential surprise for the other in a time of long ago, was remniscent of all that was no longer. a text then came, with a little less calamity behind, from a concerned mommy who hollered at me about forgetting my keys, once again attributed to that ominous accident of having my evian rain on the floor. with the left mirror being totally off its usual axis and still staying unrepaired at the moment, it is imperial to be all the more vigilant on the road, what more with mortal car warnings, with a car that is bloody smart, when starting the car, that beeps and flashes a verbal warning on the dashboard about the damn coolant level running low. with the cellphone on an all time low, perhaps it was predestination at its best, or worst, to have to be the ignorant rat of the day. do not know, and do not question.

retreating into a complete silence whilst trying to carry out the rest of the errand running was the order of the night. fatigue is still a leechy bug hanging around for all it is worth, not to mention with the slightly more feeble flu bug hand in hand because the temperature went for abit of a run and spiked after those direful rings. shrinking back into the four walls and three doors of a cubby hole on getting back relinquished one of the going ons in the outside world, especially when one just did not know what to do, nor how to react, let alone how to be anymore, because one, somehow or other, no longer knew no more. reading haunting words that did, and yet did not, make sense left the mind reeling like a tornado on a mission to leave ruins behind. thinking, thinking, and still thinking what those portentous words could possibly mean, wondering if it really meant anything to begin with. at this point, only the ending is distinctively clear, a cessation of all reason, or emotion. either way, one that resided in inevitable grave destruction.

backbreaking...

2009-05-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

had a pretty fascinating evening all rolled up in one. got to work and earn a little, at one of my classic favorite and fanciest places of all time, with a most unusual choice, and one heck of a striking uniform, serving one of the more culturally likeable and cuter races of all time, and basically assigned to waiting on the minister of the japanese embassy hand and foot the whole night. "oh what a night" could not have been more aptly sung, if the live jazz band had chosen to try and tweak that into a jazzy number, with my spine broken into two by the time the number is done from all the backbreaking bowing done.

thankfully it still worked out considering the minister was busy hobnobbing with everyone and handing out namecards like free cotton candy, given my japanese is just about half past six, and my sensei would roll in her grave if she knew, so my conversation was kept short to making sure he was comfortably fed and attended to, alongside the swarms that kept having shift changes. think it was quite a feat considering it was done for five odd hours on end standing on three and a half inches, standing beside like a complimentary wall decoration, smiling till my mandible was about to fall out with my teeth flaking out like miniature hailstones in the winter, drabbed in a high flying sarong kebaya that is not walker friendly, and sounding like an off tune bullfrog that can neither croak nor ribbit aproper whilst trying hard not to sniffle nor sneeze in case it scared everyone into a swine flu frenzy. oh yeah, free dream upgrade to boot considering that was one of the two who got to wear the green instead of the normal blue floral batik prints.

made it out alive in all singapore girl glory, with more incessant bowing as the grand finale to the night. did not quite want end to come so soon considering the place was about as magically enchanting as the castle on a cloud in little fantine's song, not to mention the people watching was about as entertaining as a japanese hallmark channel. although cinderella did sing something along the lines that a dream is a dream the heart makes, when one is fast asleep, of which was fortunate enough to have a web of dreams all tied up in a neat little bundle, weaved and threaded together so delicately into a culmination of indulgence in a few hours, nevertheless, the curtains still have to close, leaving in its end, the reality of it all that the setting on stage is pretty much just simply one little boy in a modern day les misérables.

shoot...

2009-05-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

shoot, shoot, and more shoots. that is what it looks like to be if it all comes together to be true. "if" being the operative word.

the next two weeks seems to be set for a thrilling rollercoaster ride, though it is probably a joyride to take one for a detrimental fall. everything after, is probably a platter of dessert to sweeten the deal. either that, or to fatten up the chicken and brutally slaughter after without thought of hesitation.

makes me wonder if am a sputnik for failure. if so, guess there is a spot of comfort that there is, at the very least and on the house, a smoking shot to take away for keeps. on second thought, maybe not, provided if do not die under the shooting conditions first.

jackpot...

2009-05-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

a shot at pocketing a five figure digit, nice. a possibility of a four digit average zipping in on and off for a couple of months at the very least, very nice. an opportunity to oogle at race cars at the grand stand, jackpot.

high possibility of a free cellphone, if that company really lives up to what they say, not bad. slight possibility of probable job opportunity and openings if it all works out, even better. minuscule possibility of being paid to travel and just have to blab like no tomorrow, way cool, although honestly, verbal diarrhoea ain't nothing new, so yes, double jackpot on that account.

cross my fingers, hope to die, tomorrow will tell it all. seriously, if this is god's way of raining money on a poor soul, what is not to like?!? triple jackpot, and it all started, with that one call.

big old tree...

2009-05-09T01:17:00.000-07:00

the road just outside my place is known for having trucking containers drive by as it is just about a three minute walk from a turn out from the highway to head to the harbour and docking bays. even mommy, who is the renowned squid of the family, can tell that there are fewer of them honking their way down during the peak hours with the economic recession. looking on the "brighter" side of it, it technically means less air and noise pollution.

when the rains pour and the winds blow their hearts out in a thunderstorm, the roads become dangerously trecherous to drive on and become slippery slides. just the other day when the skies decided to be a rain the zoo day, a truck with a container load full skidded, overturned, and went crashing, just about nine steps away from me since just happened to walk out from the entrance of my place where the guardhouse was, into the old tree just outside my place. there me was, standing, neither shocked nor surprised, a happening so very near, yet so far.

the only thought that went through my mind, was wondering why it did not went off a couple more inches. that way, the truck would have missed the tree altogether and get to hitting the actual target it was meant for. shards of glass scattered across the gravel, with mud patches drudged up and specks of rock and sand splattered all around, my feet took a life of its own and walked on mindlessly as if nothing had happened, with glass bits crunching below my feet in its meaningless automated motion. if had been waiting for a cab just that much earlier, the truck hit would have been me since a favourite cabbie wait point was actually in front of that tree. that big old tree now bears the scars of the heavy blow, and whenever looking at it, the three words "what a miss" always permeate with a resounding tone of melancholic morbidity in my mind.

thou shalt not...

2009-05-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

as morning broke, so did the fever, of sorts that is, though still feel the germs having a go at a marathon to see if is possible to make the human body temperature reach boiling point. for now, the body pretty much aches as if it has been run over by a couple of army tanks, not to mention the abdominal muscles hurt as if a gazillion crunches were part of some lousy no good due punishment in boot camp for daring to share and breathe the same air as the staff sergeant. when the body is about as woozy as a drunk bird crash flying about the skies, and the head spinning like hurricane katrina, the following must be adhered to for plain sanity, not to mention pain relief:

thou shalt not sneeze.

thou shalt not cough.

thou shalt not breathe... too hard.

to sneeze is helluva painful, but to cough is far worse, for it is deadly, given that it causes severe contractions in the abdominal and chest cavities. as for the not breathing too hard, guess there is a distinct possibility old friend bronchitis decided to pay a visit as well as it does hurt to breathe, especially with "cold" air, though the problem is that it ain't freezing cold like being up in the rockies, it is only just a fan at low speed not blowing directly?!? the last time was this sick, it was a full one and a half months before recovery was in even in sight, wonder if the record will be broken this time around, if so, looks like am in for an extremely long haul, brilliant.

poker face...

2009-05-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

cacographic poker face...

unquestionably impenetrable...

provactively illusory...

safely hidden...

away from view...

silent prayer...

2009-05-03T23:52:00.000-07:00

granny going under the knife...

in silent prayer...

again...

ditching game...

2009-05-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

had an early morning emergency call from granny asking me if it was okay to accompany her to hospital for her presurgery checkup. her appointment was at nine. the time of call, was eight thirty, could not get anymore brilliant than that.

not that me minded in all honesty as it did allow for me to see granny again and have a little catch up with her, though it really saddened the heart to see the state she was in. picked her up, accompanied her throughout the check up and even went marketing with her, just like me used to do when was a tiny tot, after she was done at the hospital before checking her in back home. what was not liked, was the extreme upset from the heartache and disappointment the stupid uncle put granny through, no thanks to his good for nothing character and lackadaisical attitude, who decided at the spur of the moment that he did not feel like taking granny to the hospital because he was having a hay day, wow.

granny spent the whole morning and afternoon grousing over uncle's behaviour while we were waiting for her turn, even calling him a "rotting log" and that she was better off if she had given birth to a block of wood, at least that could be put to better use, all the while with watery eyes but the tears just not quite falling. it ain't the first time the uncle has done this, doubt it would be the last, so honestly, ain't too impressed myself, god damn the heartless creep. seriously, what is it with the males me know who love playing the ditching game?!?

exchange...

2009-04-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

got last minute notice, no, make that command, to attend a wedding dinner. not that it was totally unexpected, but it certainly was something in the "did not want to have to do" list, and for a good reason at that. that being said, did it me did at the end, no questions asked.

wedding dinner was a pain to sit through because it was the usual eight course, minimum, serve up that required one to have to smile when one did not want to, socialize when one did not feel like and just look about as pretty as a decorative ornament for an insane period of time. the bigger ouch, having to sit at a bloody red table. for the non oriental girlfriends and boyfriends who are wondering why, here is a quick one hundred and one point to know, a red table at an oriental wedding equates to the status of being immediate family, or possibly the partner to an immediate family member, or child to an immediate family member, basically immediate family in one way or another to sum up. to top that off, was that it was a wedding dinner, all vegetarian. and no, this bit was pointedly forgotten information, albeit a little too conveniently in my honest opinion, that should have been told first hand. anyone who really knows me, will know me to be very much a carnivore, for herbivore this one really ain't born to be. so really, painful was an understatement, think agonizing suffering was more like it. however, did know for a fact, there was someone beside having it worst.

if anything, social etiquette, drilled into me for time eternal, had to be my saving grace. polite superficiality was a must, no matter how much one much rather just kick the chair, turn over the table and walk out. fended off open bug eyed stares and try so hard to be discreet but ain't glances, alongside the weird awkward questions of all sorts, machine gun shooting from all directions, mostly with regards to one's love life, that is non existent when it comes to the male species and not believed no matter what was said, resulting in explanation becoming futile, with a smile and minimal complaisant words before being blatantly barbaric became the new game. in all seriousness, if anything should have happened, it should have been receiving an oscar for sitting the dinner through. cool sophistication must have become the middle name for the night, was even dressed in accordance to boot, all in black.

spent the rest of the dinner just musing and observing all the going ons about at the table and every other table where my eyes and ears could and would land when not having to spar and play the million dollar question game, letting myself drift into the usual silent speculation about all that was going around. one's got to give oneself entertainment, if not, think would feel as if am wasting, and before long, some grosteque looking creature like the hulk would start to metamorphasize before everyone's very nosey eyes and go around terrorizing any breathing creature in that room. not a pretty sight, that much is for sure.

one, no one ever believes one when one tells the truth. one can even swear upon the bible. it never happens. tell them a lie and they are more likely to believe that than the truth. moral of the story, humans are delusional creatures, and wretchedly sad ones who live in perpetual denial.

two, it was a marriage that came about and happened after seven long years. in this day and age, it has got to be and is quite something when something can work out and reach such a benchmark. the bride apparently became semi buddhist, of sorts, and turned vegetarian, though she was christian. this is the part where one of my christian girlfriends will tsk a whole lot, though this does affirm my theory that it is technically and actually possible for people of different religions, particularly the combination of "christian and something else", to be in maritial union, much to the distaste of numerous christians out there. at the end of the day, it is about the give and take, period.

three, when people marry, they do not just marry each other, with the typical indian wedding in point and view, they do bloody marry the whole goddamn family. so if one does not like the family, for the love of god, do not marry. it is and will be disaster waiting to happen.

four, the world is awfully small, let alone when it comes to this cramped pinhole of an island, one never knows who one would end up bumping into at a wedding, even when the wedding is a peanut sized one. six degrees of separation could not be anymore creepy. therefore, keep very very quiet and blend, blend, blend into the background.

five, was told that the bride refused to fit into the gown, but rather said and insist that the gown fit her. thank god for a bride with common sense, for once.

six, people have nothing better to do than to stare when at a wedding. explains the need for so many visuals, pun intended, from the bridal gown changes to the video montages, and why the bridal couple are just about the busiest people at their own wedding, having trouble even finishing their own food in peace, or rather, they can actually forget about food. best of all, it ain't enough, so when the bridal couple ain't in sight walking about or having some video playing on the screen, the nosey parkers will not be abashed and shy when it comes to staring at other people.

seven, people are greedy monsters with insatiable appetites. it ain't just the about the visuals. it pretty much also applies to the food and just about everything else in life.

eight, for every time one feels like complete pottiness, there is someone else out there who is probably taking in much more crap.

nine, life is a lot more about love than one likes to think. its existance comes about in various degrees and types, and so therefore, emotion becomes and is in fact an essential. sadly, it is an unfortunate possession when haywire and decides to fuck up.

could probably go on and on with the verbal diarrhoea, but it ain't going to end if it did go on, so one's got to pull the plug and just end it there. and so, all the distasteful bits aside, got to give credit that it was a wedding where much thought was put into, given that the ideas were novel, where the video montage of the get together was presented like a film, with the twenty century fox logo in part of the reel and a box of popcorn, in all its cheesy red and white colors, as the takeaway thank you souvenir; where a mafia squad brought in the bride and groom in the second walk in, where some nutcase in the audience yelled "big boss", in mandarin, and in english a little later in the translated version, each call ending with the groom saying "thank you" in his thank you speech, before finally ending with the "brothers" and "mafia boss and wife" solemnly bowing in thanks in all black or any other dark color grandeur. that being said, there was some entertainment value, though was not quite up to laughing. not to mention, it was a little unbelievable, and abit of a joke, when heard how little resistance was given to the groom and the brotherly entourage in the bride reception. if it were me at the door, as was said and will quote that person, "there need only be one of you instead of a group of females at the door, and the groom can forget about getting through the front door, let alone the actual door, while the bride can forget about getting married. good luck to the poor folks." reminds me, there is an owe of a first class singapore airlines return ticket from wherever me would be at in future, and here is the standing written evidence of it.

there were several exchanges that happened in the midst of the night, the good, the bad, the happy and sad. makes me wonder who took the most out of it that night when it all ended. one thing for certain, not every individual was a happy camper, but then again, it really ain't my business.

an exchange of those little round rings may not necessarily mean a lifetime of happiness. however, that being said, it can be a lifetime of happiness and more, if "more" is taken into serious account, and not blindly factored out. there is a reason why mothers have this saying, "open both eyes when going into a relationship, and close one eye after marriage".

an exchange of time may not mean much to one, but it can mean the world to the other. this is where a difference can be and is made. add effort to the equation, and it becomes possible to change a hell lot of things.

an exchange of true love, of any form... priceless.

heartbreak hotel...

2009-04-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

it is awfully bizarre how life can be, so much so one wonders if one is watching a telly soap unfolding with all the going ons simultaneously, and at such a chain reaction that the peculiarity ain't even funny. if anything, the latest soap that is playing on the concurrent life telly programme has got to be titled "heartbreak hotel". the saying of "misery loves company" definitely has a certain ring and truth to it, just more than one would like me afraid.

or perhaps, it is just one of those things that just happens all at a go??? after all, it never rains, it pours. god knows why.

a girlfriend decided to let go of that someone whom she has stood by for five years, all because there was never really a defined and clear status as to where she stood, by, and quite literally, cutting the person by the convenient reason her line contract was about up, and so she might as well upgrade her plan and cellphone, and her number while at it. one helluva way to do it.

another girlfriend lost her other half of three odd years just when she made that final decision to go all the way out for her boy just like he did for her before at the earlier part of their relationship. that worst part for her, was losing her childhood best friend of over a decade, or rather, of over half her life when he just called it quits after giving her a real shitty period. the yucky part about this one, is that me know both parties. hearing what she had to tell about the boyfriend's behaviour was a real shocker, not just to me, but to all the girlfriends who knew them both. the changeabout was certainly too sudden, and a hundred and eighty degree change overnight at that. what went wrong, no one knew, knows, or will ever know me reckon. losing a boyfriend is one thing, but losing one who was one's best friend from young, whom one thought one knew, is one fucked up double whammy to be receiving at the same time.

another boyfriend just got dumped too, and in the worst possible way. the lucky girl had it all, and she just threw it all away. boyfriend is in pretty bad shape given the extent of feelings that somehow had an extraordinary exponential growth in the two odd coming or three months they were together. looking at it in objectivity, or rather, trying to, the factor of "quantity" in time certainly ain't at all necessary when it comes to the "fall in love" bit going by his circumstances.

another boyfriend might have gotten into trouble with his other half because of me, not wittingly of course, but nonetheless a fault of mine me guess, for being someone too close by half whom his other half just does not like. then again, that really ain't anything new considering it has happened with quite a number of boyfriends. how would one know??? quite simply when the boyfriend just stops being in touch and then says hi out of the blue, like god knows how many years down the road, when it is all over between the two and one hears the outpour of the whole story then, and at most times, along with the pain and heartache with the break. same with another girlfriend, who now has a girlfriend who has been seeing someone for quite a few years now. girlfriends just hate me, and for no reason at that, period. in any case, ain't quite so sure of what the situation is like at present, but am rather worried, that much is for sure, and pretty much waiting in standby for that emergency call, should it happen. am only hoping to god it ain't quite so at this point.

every individual in their cauldron of hurt, brewing, boiling, and stewing in it, life simply could not be more painful, not to mention that lousy no good feeling of screwed up that goes hand in hand with it. in all honesty, watching it all from the sideline does not make me feel any better, much as do wish that am able to do a little more for them. what is one to do???

in all seriousness, words just fail me, for they just ain't enough. one cannot just order heartache to go away, or father time to turn back the clock, let alone heartbreak to not happen. such undoing is beyond me.

all that can be done, is offering and lending the small shoulders, listening ears and a teeshirt that will serve as the towel or toilet roll of the day to dry up those tears on top of long solid holding hugs, but fat lot of good that does. what can one do when one hears those hearts crack and break, into pieces that can never really be mended??? very unfortunately, there is no miracle pill available in this time and century to make it all go away or induce amnesia, or selective amnesia at the very least. there is no surefire formula that could ever give the needed relief and comfort, that much is for sure. there is, and can be, no release from the pain.

for some reason, am reminded of a little of "hotel california", for once one checks in, one can never check out, ever. such hotels are of utmost evil, for it leaves one as such where one is never quite living, yet never quite dead. the worst part, is not knowing how one falls into these human fly traps.

the saying "what does not kill you, makes you stronger" is absolute rubbish. it kills. doubt it can really be proven otherwise.

suck it...

2009-04-25T23:52:00.000-07:00

suck it in...

suck it up...

all of it...

ever...

2009-04-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

ever...

fall in love with a beautiful voice that never did quite have a face that matched???

this one did...

sunflowers...

2009-04-22T23:52:00.000-07:00

the night was spent with the distinctive snipping of metal blades against thick colorful paper sheets, the dusty fan whirring in the background, remembering the days of yore when was younger and quite the idiot at art. no, never ever had the knack of anything with art and craft, be it oils and pastels, colors and gradients, or sculpture of any sort. mommy was and still is the one with the magic fingers when it comes to art, little wonder why the emergency panic call for "mommy... art homework" was always in use like an emergency room blue code.

without fail, there she will be, having a look see at the art project at hand, hmming, humming and hawing, before that moment of "eureka" hits her. from there, it would then be pretty much be like mad scientist at work in the poetic creation of frankenstein, where only the arty farty kind with similar sublime creativity juices would sense and comprehend.

old age has caught up, but mommy certainly has not lost her artistic flair, though the speed has most definitely slowed at her craft. somehow, that diminished speed, that do know is a cause from swollen and painful joints, made me stop in my footsteps. and so, it was my turn to sit down at the makeshift art table, scuffle around the motley mess, trying to make some sense of her mumbled instructions at what she needed help with.

quite a cute turnaround it has become. although changed somewhat, yet, the pattern somehow does not quite switch. strangely enough, there is comfort in this little familiarity, especially when daddy comes shuffling out in his bedtime socks and bedroom slippers, munching through a light bedtime snack of peanuts, poking his nose about before walking off like the passerby figure, offering no help, just as he would back then.

as if back in those days, sitting alone at the makeshift art table of the day, with an undusted fan whirring in the background, the lone soul cuts out gaudy looking sunflower petals from compressed paper sheet stacks, meticulously sticking those petals there after onto checkered pattern paper bodies carefully weaved from before with the good old handy glue stick, endlessly through the vampire hours of the night. only this time around, instead of being the one chased off to bed, she was the one sent to meet the sandman for midnight supper. this time, ain't rushing for the crazy deadline of morrow doing my own art assignment, but rather, mommy's "art homework". perhaps, probably, this is payback. in all honesty, can only say it is a fair trade, though seriously, sunflowers really ain't my thing.

change...

2009-04-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

"change;

we don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming.

we either adapt to change or we get left behind.

and it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying.

but here's the truth:

the more things change, the more they stay the same.

and sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good.

oh, sometimes, change is ... everything."

meredith grey was spot on in this particular diagnosis.

beautiful imperfection...

2009-04-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

beautiful imperfection...

succinctly poignant...

utterly exquisitely perfect...

responsibility...

2009-04-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

responsibility is a most loathed irksome word...

one helluva bitch at that...

april babies...

2009-04-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

keeping this short and sweet...

to all the april babies...

happy birthday...

another year has somehow come to pass...

miss and love you all...

another one down the ground...

2009-04-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

"we can never fully explain the reasons surrounding someone's death... but death is never natural; it was not meant to be. that is why those left behind experience such excruciating pain. the agony is only worsened when the death is what we call premature... each death can begin to be understood only within the larger story god is telling. much of that story remains for the moment a mystery."

death, most unfortunately, is inevitable and comes to all; and so, that ups the count, with another one down the ground. the worst part, is the unknown perplexity behind the whys that will go, and have to remain, unanswered to the mere mortal. unfathomable even to the most pragmatic of logic.

such is life.

a quarter of a century...

2009-04-05T03:15:00.000-07:00

a quarter of a century...

nothing to show...

everything to lose...

implicit painful deliberation...

forgoing forgotten celebration...

commemoration of the life led and left...

out of nothing at all...

must...

2009-04-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

ashes to ashes...

dust to dust...

loss after loss...

accept one must...

the words...

2009-04-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

the words...

oh my god...

ain't quite enough...

happy april fools...

the joke of the day...

fearless...

2009-03-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

to be fearless...

is to take a leap of faith...

into the unknown...

unascertained in so many ways...

obvious in its obscurity...

cowering in consternation...

adversed to aversion...

an air of tenebrous diffidence...

an equivocal indefinite...

missing moments...

2009-03-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

missing them daddy and little girl moments...

so far away...

quiescent misery...

angels...

2009-03-17T23:30:00.000-07:00

thank god for providential angels scattered all around...

in times when least expected...

they are somehow fortuitously found...

fear...

2009-03-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

fear patronizes...

fear paralyzes...

fear petrifies...

fossilized into the concrete ground...

faltering in trepidation...

friday the thirteenth...

2009-03-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

friday the thirteenth came and went. an unusual one it was. an air of inconceivable quiescent tranquility about.

this black friday was spent in slow motion, trying to catch up on and comprehend a book. a book of thickness that should technically not take me anything more than a couple of hours. strange as it may seem, it has taken me days to get through the dusty spotted and wrinkled yellowing pages.

as the seasoned pages were flipped with the utmost gentleness and respect, several stories of old unfolded. reading and rereading through the told tales, understanding and comprehension dawned like a slow awakening though there was a funeral ongoing downstairs with the chanting of religious scripts and clashing of cymbals and bells. the arising of quiet chaos.

twelve o'clock...

2009-03-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

magical night it was, and well, even fairy tales like cinderella have a twelve o'clock deadline. turns out that reality ain't all that different from cinder's tale. no, the car did not quite turn back into a pumpkin, though the driver of the night did land up with a stupid parking offence. goddamnit.

well, at least the magic lasted while it did, so guess when the clock struck twelve, all is back at where it was before. life is cruel, and most unfortunately, without a doubt, the joke is still on me. bet my bottom dollar on this one.

sad to say, ain't laughing though, for it ain't quite possible to. bad start to a day, what luck. just my luck if all is well, does not end well, for somehow, perhaps, in the stars it is; and well, it is inevitable that it has not been and is not quite possible to shake off the ominous foreboding.

a turn...

2009-03-07T10:53:00.000-08:00

things have certainly not been sitting under the category of pleasant of late, and oh well, what to do except say "same shit different day" and just about curse every tom, dick and harry, or heaven, skies and stars in hope for something better to come along. even better if it dropped on one's lap. fat hope that would happen.

this very day, events did take a turn somewhat. it is perhaps an extremely comforting change to have something a little different. some say, particular more superstitious and traditional orientals, that a wedding washes off the bad luck because of the good tidings and auspicious greetings it brings about from the joy and happiness from all combined in that massive ballroom who were all there for the same reason and purpose. not so much to wash off personal bad luck, but rather to partake and contribute in the joy in the union of the newly weds.

it was not so much just a union for the two lovebirds, but also a reunion for all the family and friends of various circles and degrees, where ties and bonds formed were a good forty year strong, and counting, if no one has proceeded to go on to the other world. it has been years that have seen this side of my godfamily, and it was awfully wonderful to just be able to be there and witness everything that went on; the catching up, the eating, the sharing, possibly as many as hundreds to thousands of stories flying about the whole room if one added up every table. did the whole speak when spoken to though did not quite feel like many words, social etiquette required it. nevertheless, watching it all happen in the bylines was heartwrenching enough as it was.

there was so much history in that room. every tale, a good solid story waiting to be told, where everyone, and everything, had a purpose for being and happening. in those few hours where was freezing underneathe the airconditioning, there was a need for me to soak in everyone and everything, and learn. forgot to bring a jacket as we were being all herded like cattle in the rush to the wedding dinner, and oh well, this one was no exception to the rule and still started late in any case. my brother, bless his kind soul, offered his outer long sleeve shirt for me to wear. this gesture did not go unnoticed by both parents and me as it was and is not my brother to do something like that for we have been, somewhat, in a cold war for the longest time ever. nevertheless, we have somewhat come to an understanding, between the two of us, that should the sibling need help in whatever way, help will be rendered to the best of one's ability, even if words are few.

in a night, so much was seen, heard, and felt. kinship, friendship, relationship, of all types, sizes and ages. my godfamily, being strongly and deeply attached to their peranakan roots, were all decked out in their finery. and trust my godmommy to be the activist of a whole sarong kebaya clan, from young to old, in all shapes and sizes. it could easily have been mistaken to be a sight for sore eyes, or rather, in all seriousness, a feast for the eyes. made my mommy wish she had worn her sarong kebaya. guess it must have been the air, for in a roundabout way, it also made me want to go dig out mine though reckon it would not quite fit as it has been years since the outfit has actually seen daylight. if anything, perhaps it is high time to go get another, even if it is just for the fun of it. bet one of my girlfriends would be all the more convinced that am quite like the "little nonya".

watched daddy from afar as he wished my godsister and her husband to be. turns out that this guy is the son of a classmate who passed away from cancer years back, with whom daddy had brought to church and led to christ. if anything, guess it can only be said that the world is amazingly small. daddy had never met the son when the classmate passed on, but bet it was something he did not quite expect, and that is to be attending the wedding of this old friend's son, and to my godsister to boot. as tears welled up in daddy's eyes whilst wishing the couple, it was seen that daddy was very heartened at this union, something so beautifully and mysteriously arranged, that it could only be seen as a work of god. yet, at the same time, the pained sadness and longing could not be missed nor mistaken. does not take a genius to figure out that am the reason for it.

although do know my daddy will never see this, daddy, am so really very very very sorry. am so very sorry for my lack and failure in fulfilling my obligations as your child. for now, will work at graduation for you, so in the meantime, please, please do not go.

on and off...

2009-03-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

on and off...

the motion picture in continuous muted play...

easy come...

easy go...

a dream in a dream...

disturbances in silence...

unsettling the worn rattled soul...

sinister in its heinous grip...

left torn apart...

stink...

2009-03-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

bad news can be said to be akin to tidal waves. before one can recover from the first, another will come along to throw one further off course. where one ends up, god knows.

without a doubt, there is some truth in the saying "when it rains, it pours". for some strange reason, the pouring has yet to stop, and may never for all one knows. what then???

no one ever likes bad news. bad news is probably like that of a foul malodor from grubby shoes worn by a person with athlete's foot, an offensive pong from that of stale fish, an unbearable stench from the dredges of the sewers. in short, bad news stink.

monster truck...

2009-03-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

clouted by a monster truck...

absolutely without a single clue...

reeling from the after effect...

battered beyond recognition...

vertiginous and contused...

merry go round...

2009-02-28T12:15:00.000-08:00

a circus filled with laughter and tears...

shrouded in shadow and mystery...

nothing but a little merry go round...

where the escapade is but a ride around...

a buffoonery of a sport...

birthday wish...

2009-02-26T17:10:00.000-08:00

to the angel with a broken hand...

never got to sing you a proper birthday song...

never got to give you a proper birthday cake...

the most unforgivable...

never got to giving you a proper birthday present...

nevertheless...

you would know my very words to you...

my wish for you...

so may my wish and hug say it all...

random finding...

2009-02-25T17:01:00.000-08:00

it has been donkey ages since there was last a random finding. in the oddest of places, a treasure hidden in the most obscure of corners was uncovered, and nothing but thought provoking it has been. and so it is...

"it’s okay to shine"

“our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

it is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most.

we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,fabulous?

actually, who are you not to be?

we are a child of god.

our playing small doesn’t serve the world.

there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around us.

we are meant to shine, as children do.

we are born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us.

it’s not just in some of us.

it’s in everyone.

and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

apparently, even the renown and wise nelson mandela quoted this in his inaugural speech. way cool. think it can be said that my socks have been officially wowed off my tootsies while my mind has run off on a tangent for a little marathon finding that choochoo train of a thought...

hug...

2009-02-23T01:35:00.000-08:00

a hug...

was where it all began...

when words trailed behind... and consequently failed...

the freedom of expression lost...

that somehow said it all...

best...

2009-02-20T11:19:00.000-08:00

when one's best just ain't one's best...

one wonders then "what is best???"...

somehow or other...

it just ain't enough...

for there is no try...